PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: SALAZAR’S REVENGE – REVIEW

CaptureStarring: Johnny Depp, Geoffrey Rush, Javier Bardem
Director: Joachim Rønning & Espen Sandberg
Running Time: 129mins
Rating: 12A

We are back with the fifth (and hopefully final) installment of the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise and as long as they leave it here; it will be solidified in the adventure hall of fame! Its not that i didnt love it, but there’s just no reason to keep going back!

P5 as I am going to dub this, takes us on an adventure with Henry Turner (Brenton Thwaites); son of Elizabeth Swan and William Turner who needs to find good ol’ Captain Jack in order to save his father from the curse of the Flying Dutchman. Along the way, we encounter the formidable Armando Salazar who has a score to settle with Jack Sparrow who cursed him oh so many years ago and so sends the boy to warn him that death is looking for him.

From this point on, the film is pretty much made of the same magical stuff that made us fall in love with the first film. Favourites are back in the shape of Gibbs and Barbossa and the cameos from Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley give a bit of nostalgia that goes a long way.

Never a film to be taken too seriously, we all know what to expect and in this outing, they deliver. Its not too long, its got some good action scenes and great special effects and of course; it has Jack being…well, Jack! As mentioned, the SFX are great with Captain Salazar’s undead crew which takes us back to the cursed crew of the Black Pearl.

The only downside was probably a few holes in the story regarding newest addition Caryna Smith (Kaya Scodalario) but this doesnt take anything away from the film too much.

Make sure to stick around for the end credits scene!

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TERMINATOR: GENISYS – REVIEW

Review

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Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Emilia Clarke, Jai Courtney, Jason Clarke
Director: Alan Taylor
Running Time: 126mins
Cert: 12A

Now lets see, ignoring the fact that the Terminator series is essentially the same story told over and over again from different angles and perspectives and timelines and dimensions or whatever, this particular installment was actually pretty good!

For the fans who are familiar with the Terminator films, Genisys goes back to the first film when the bad T-800 (Schwarzenegger) is sent to kill Sarah Connor (Clarke). However, things have changed some what and instead of a lowly waitress who has no idea what special child she is supposed to bring forth from her womb to save the world; instead Sarah is a bad ass terminator killing machine…..no pun intended.

Anyway, because of this, we get a very convincing digital version of the younger Arnie who subsequently confronts the older Arnie who is now Sarah’s protector and has been for a number of years whereby she affectionately calls him Pops. Too sweet! There are further nostalgic moments of machine awesomeness from Terminator 2: Judegement Day, which is the best one in my opinion! The T-1000 or liquid metal terminator to you lesser mortals is as sick as ever, but not as sick as the ultimate villain; a new and obviously improved, hybrid terminator thing that just never seems to die! Seriously, its dope! Look out for the MRA scene which was visually very cool in deed and also the “walking out of the explosion unscathed scene”. There are more than one but you’ll know the one i mean!

Story aside, there is a bit of slow motion overkill in this film and although there are some choice moves from the T-1000 in terms of shock factor, its all pretty visual. Its all visual obviously but i mean in terms of the effects used to create excitement rather than any real brain frying back story or deep emotional acting etc. There are however no epic battles between the machines that we haven’t seen before. A few bent mental railings to show that yes, they are made of metal and are extremely heavy, was not really enough.

By way of acting, our girl Khaleesi did good. Wondering whether she would be able to make them jump from the fantasy epic that is Game of Thrones to an ultra modern she-now-gets-to-shoot-guns big screen film was questionable, but she has done extremely well and the American accent isn’t at all bad. Jai Courtney aka John McClane Jr is a decent choice of love interest/eager soldier/hero, so no complaints there. He spends a lot of time on his hands and knees which is interesting and highly entertaining when trying to escape a Terminator!
Last but not least, we have Arnie and his relentless pursuit of this role. Let it go for the love of God man! There are women and children out here!
Seriously, as amusing as it is to watch them continuously try to teach him social skills, he really needs to let it go. The terminator is an iconic role and he is in danger of destroying it. He does well by not making him involved in too much fighting as it would just look odd! Gereatric robots are not cool people!

All in all, Genisys was a surprisingly good film. It shamelessly sets itself up for sequels which will forever not make sense as the Terminator universe is one of a fixed timeline. NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, SKY NET WILL DESTROY YOU!

Until they figure that out, we’ll have fun watching them fight!

NB: How do Jai Courtney and Emilia Clarke result in Jason Clarke?! The genetics make no sense!

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY – REVIEW

 

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Starring: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan
Director: Sam Taylor-Johnson
Rating: 18
Time: 125mins

Ive said it before and ill say it again: Fifty Shades of Grey is a terrible book. Its written terribly, the story is basic and only really held together by the complexity of the enigmatic, sexy and yes, extremely wealthy Christian Grey.

Now, bare this in mind when going to see the film if you decide to as if you have no high expectations, you will not be disappointed. Fifty Shades is exactly what it should be in my opinion: a bit of cheeky fun. Imagine going to a party and dancing the night away to every Steps, NSync or Spice Girls song and thats what a trip to the movies to see this is all about: guilty pleasure. You shouldn’t like Christian but you do. You shouldn’t want him to slap fifty shades out of Anastasia but you do and thats the fun of it!

As so many have slandered this movie i have decided to take a more positive stance simply because i honestly didn’t think it was that bad. Sure, the dialogue is horrendous but thats excusable because E. L James – the writer of Fifty Shades if you didn’t know -apparently wanted all her words to stay the same regardless of the fact that noone would ever talk like that to each other. Another big fault unfortunately is Christian. From being the single element that makes the books worth reading, Jamie Dornan to me, takes the fun out of Christian and im actually in Ana’s corner. Dakota Johnson is awesome as the shy and virginal Miss Steele who even with that shit hair style makes it believable that he should want her. She cries well, she makes the Ana-drunk-on-a-night-out scene hilariously good and she’s not afraid to show a little titty.

Speaking of titties and leaving the actors behind, lets get to the good stuff: The Sex. Overall, its well spaced and positioned i.e not just sexing all over the house at every given second and not too dragged out. There is sufficient nudity from Dakota and even a little suggestive side penis from Jamie. My favourite scene being when he has sex with her in her apartment. Some saucy stuff there i tell ya! Arch your back girlfriend! Arch your back! 😆 The only part that was disappointing for me was the final beating scene for reasons i wont say so as not to spoil it.

Other than that, its filmed beautifully. The beginning made me think if a thriller, very intense and mood filled. Editing is decent with interesting scenes, the most notable being the scene when they discuss the terms of the contract. Interesting stuff. The score is awesome, will definitely invest in that and all the cheeky elements of the book that had you falling in love with Christian as well such as Charlie Tango and the gliding experience in Georgia were all shown to perfection.

Before wrapping up, i wanted to touch on the supporting cast who don’t provide much support especially if your name is Rita Bora sorry, Ora. Could this women be any more irrelevant? With her one and a half immaterial line that had you wondering if she was even still in the room. Im shudder at the thought of her playing a bigger role in the sequels!

All in all, if you go to see Fifty Shades of Grey with an open mind to some fun and frolicking in mind then i think you will thoroughly enjoy it. For those who have not read the book, certain elements will of course be lost on you as the deeper psyche of Christian is not fully explored or displayed by Dornan. In the film he is 100% a stalker. In the books, sure he’s a bit intense but there is an understanding that fails to carry onto the silver screen.

Going to watch it expecting to see a romance/erotica penned by a Bronte sister mixed with Jackie Collins is undoubtedly going to leave you disappointed. Watch it to see some titties and you wont be 😛